It’s a Saturday morning and I’m sitting in a coffee shop trying to piece together the mess of what seems to be the thesis I’m trying to finish. I could think of a dozen other things I’d rather be doing – playing with my son, sleeping, or finally reading one of the novels in my growing pile of unread books.
George Eliot’s quote was something I came across two years ago while reading the children’s book The One and Only Ivan. And it was also two years ago when I felt like it wasn’t too late for this new mom to continue grad school – and actually finish it.
I started grad school in 2012 and I can now say that this is one of the longest relationships I’ve ever had in my life – longer than my marriage and longer than any job I’ve had in the past decade. And so the question is:
WHY AM I STILL HERE???????
It’s something I’ve been asking myself a lot, especially during those moments when I’m suddenly roused from sleep and a bit of anxiety creeps in because I remember the work that needs to be done. I console myself and go back to sleep, thinking about how privileged I am that I have this chance to actually do what I do. And the days pass by and I go through the motions of work and family – while nursing the anxiety of what it means to finish this paper.
SO – WHY?
It used to be about career options, how finishing the degree will open other opportunities – but I think I’m over that.
In the quiet moments when I actually find time to write, I suddenly get messages from former students and former scholars. Messages that range from How are you? to I wish I can go back to Grade 3 so you can be my teacher again.
And then I remember their stories and how much fixing our education system needs. I’m not arrogant enough to think that finishing a paper will change many things. But maybe it can start a conversation here and there about what else we can do.
So today, on this Saturday, I choose to make education my responsibility. Tomorrow, it will be my family and something else. I know it doesn’t have to be one over the other but on some days it surely feels like it.
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
E.B. White
Teacher's Pet 